The Power of PowerPoints!
by Avenging Neko
Summary: A miniature series of crackshots related to powerpoints. What will the Hellsing members come up with?
1. Seras' PowerPoint

_**The Power of PowerPoints**_

**_Ketti:_ **I know, I know, this isn't an update for an already posted story. So sue me. Or don't, I don't have any money. In any case, I'm 90% sure this was JuJu's idea. I think. Neither of us knows anymore. We do that, sometimes, where we throw ideas at eachother until we forget who came up with what part.

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_**Seras' PowerPoint**_

Seras Victoria was boiling mad as she stormed into the rec room and snarled at the soldier playing Candy Crush. He paled and hurriedly signed off, bolting out of the room in the face of the Draculina's wrath. Mollified just slightly, the blonde plopped herself down and furiously searched through the computer's programs until she pulled up power point.

_Yesss…_

An hour later there was an unofficial meeting called of the soldiers, and as the Wild Geese piled into the room, a few of them were unnerved to find Alucard lounging on the couch like a cushion hogging bastard. Seras was standing in front of the projector screen looking stern and utterly adorable. "Everyone find a seat!" She barked, slapping the wall with a ruler she found in one of the desks, "This is a mandatory sensitivity training session-" the men all started to laugh uproariously and she shrieked, stamping her foot, "I mean it! If any of you break these new rules I'm going to punch you right in the face!"

"But I thought this was _sensitivity_ training," one of the Geese smirked, "Use your words and all that?"

Seras bared her teeth and raised her clenched fist threateningly, "That's why we're having this training session so none of you needs to explain to Sir Integra why you've got a dislocated jaw!"

"Meow, Commander."

"Kitty has claws," one of them crowed, much to the enjoyment of the gathered troops as they laughed louder.

Seras' grin widened to manic proportions as she brandished the black claws from the split fingertips of her gloves, "And I'm not afraid to use them, either, George!"

The Geese quieted then, eyeing her a tad warily as she cleared her throat and straightened, turning to the projector to put on the first slide.

_**'Hellsing's Guide To Survival;**_

_**Do Not Sexually Harass The Vampire'**_

Alucard chortled, and leered at his fledgling, "Not including me in your little presentation, Police Girl? I'm hurt, I thought this was about equal treatment." He mocked her mercilessly, and dared her to use the ruler in her hands to smack him, as she so dearly wanted to. Gracing him with a withering stare, she turned her head and sniffed, "Well, Master, since you're so concerned about being accosted, you can make your own power point."

The Geese laughed nervously, the few newly recruited soldiers giving the red clad vampire a sidelong glance.

Alucard laughed.

Seras smacked the wall a second time and clicked the button to get the slide show of friendly reminder rules over with.

_**1-Do not lick the vampire's face.**_

There was a moment of awkward silence before the soldiers burst out into near hysterical laughter, and Seras' hair puffed up like a kitten trying to look bigger as she hissed at them. Alucard looked as if he were about to say something, and the fledgling shrieked, "Or anywhere else! No licking period, damnit!"

The look he gave her over his amber lenses made her flush in mortification and she hurriedly clicked to the next rule.

_**2-Absolutely no smacking the vampire's bum. Bloody perverts.**_

A few of the Geese actually fell on the floor, clutching their stomachs as tears rolled down their cheeks. "But you've got such a nice one, Commander!"

"Well keep your hands to yourselves!" Seras shrieked, cheeks burning as bright as her crimson eyes, "Or I might need to start a collection." There was an ominous light in her eyes, and some of the men eyed eachother, wondering if Sir Integra would really let her get away with it.

_**3-Do not attempt to kiss the vampire.**_

"She means you, Captain!" Someone, possibly George howled, as the men busted up again. Pip just sat there – on the other side of the couch from the crimson fucker – looking smug. Seras huffed, arms crossed over her generous bust.

_**4-Stop reading the vampire's papers over her shoulder. Bloody tall bastards.**_

Everyone cracked up over that, and Alucard leered at her suggestively, which she tried valiantly to ignore. "I'm not that short!" She squawked in protest, "So stop it, damnit!"

_**5-The vampire is not playing rugby while walking down the halls. So stop with the tackling already.**_

"But Commander!"

"You make a very comfortable landing pad."

"Don't you want to play with us?"

"I wouldn't mind landing in her lap."

The laughter reached near deafening proportions as the eternally red faced Draculina shrieked and brandished her ruler at them, "Next time one of you tries it, I'm going to learn how to phase, and you'll hit the wall face first!"

Alucard snorted, "Oh, really? I'd like to see you learn split second intangibility, Police Girl."

Turning her back on him with an insulted expression, she skipped to the next slide, muttering under her breath.

_**6-Do not trip the vampire down the steps just to look up her skirt when she lands. It's not funny.**_

"And what if I do think it's funny?" Alucard challenged, grinning maliciously, "You're like a super ball, always bouncing back."

Seras did try to smack him with the ruler then, and he phased through it so that she stumbled and toppled onto the couch, only to find herself pinned to the cushion by the sudden weight of her Master sitting comfortably on her back. "Master!" She wailed, struggling to get out from under him.

Alucard smirked as he grabbed the remote from her, getting comfortable. "Next."

_**7-Shower time is Seras Time. Why do I even need to say this?!**_

"Boring." Alucard drawled as the men snorted and nudged eachother as they eyed Pip meaningfully. Who, again, just sat there smugly. "It was worth it." He sighed happily.

_**8-No more panty raids. You're not in high school!**_

At this, one of Seras' regulation cotton panties was thrown in the air to land on the end of the couch, and the Draculina shrieked in outrage as she bucked and writhed beneath the master vampire, trying to reach the indecently displayed underwear, and perhaps break a few faces. The men whooped like school boys and a cheer went up.

_**9-The vampire is not participating in a wet tee shirt contest. Stop splashing water during missions!**_

"So that's why you always bring a spare jacket, now, Police Girl?" Alucard murmured, unholy glee in his voice. "And here I thought it was because you didn't like the ghoul blood."

"That too," his fledgling huffed, then rammed her elbow back into his thigh, "Now get loff me, damnit!"

"No, I don't think I will. " Alucard mocked her, quite comfortable on his unwilling cushion.

There was a grumble of discontent from the soldiers as they eyed the vampire enviously. Pip especially glared at the red clad bastard as he monopolized the Draculina.

_**10-Absolutely under no circumstances do not bite the vampire.**_

Alucard crowed with manic glee, "But I thought you liked it when I bit you, Police Girl, you always moan so prettily."

Seras screamed in humiliation and threw her Sire off of her back as she snatched the remote from him and turned the projector off. "This meeting's over!"

The blonde ran out of the room to a choire of cat calls and whistles, wishing she'd never thought of this stupid plan in the first place. It backfired so horribly she'd never live it down!

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Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing watched the security feed with the ghost of a smile battling with her trademark almost-frown, expression hidden by the glare of the screen lighting up her glasses.

"Did you have to humiliate the poor girl so?" Integra asked through the cloud of cigar smoke crowning her blonde head.

"She makes it so easy, Master." Alucard chuckled wickedly, "As I recall it was you who insisted I attend her silly meeting. Having some regrets?"

The Hellsing Heiress shrugged one shoulder noncommittally, "As long as I don't need to pay her therapist bill anytime soon."


	2. Alucard's PowerPoint

_**The Power of PowerPoints**_

_**Ketti:**_Gasp! An update! It's a miracle! Though I don't think Seras will thank me for this one. As soon as I think up enough points, I'll put Integra's up in the next day or so. ;D

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_**Alucard's PowerPoint**_

"Get up," Alucard's voice boomed in her head, seeming to echo in her coffin as she groggily opened her eyes, staring at his blurry face uncomprehendingly. He grunted and reached into the box to drag her out, pulling her out the door a moment later, leading the half asleep fledgling through the halls at a merciless pace, she needed to take three steps for each of his long legged strides.

"Master," Seras whined as he pulled her up the stairs, feet tangling with themselves, she nearly tripped, "It's too early, what do you want?"

I took your advice, Police Girl," he purred, grin maniacal, "and made my own power point, I want you to see it."

Seras' brain was too mushy to comprehend his words at first, and it was only when he tossed her onto the couch and threw a blood bag at her face that she woke up a little. Grimacing at the plastic, she tried to push it away, but a gloved hand grasped her chin cruelly as the other hand pressed the packet to her lips. She shrieked and kicked at his legs to no avail, he ignored her pitiful flailing as a black claw slid from the material of his glove, the talon pricking a hole in the thin film so that blood started to trickle into her opened mouth. She tried to close it, but the hand on her jaw tightened, fingers digging in painfully between her teeth to prevent her from wasting the crimson liquid. She gagged, but he forced her chin up until she swallowed. Sputtering, she clawed at his arm viciously, trying to free herself from his grasp. It didn't work. He only released her when half of the contents were forced down her throat, and she glared at him with the threat of tears in her crimson eyes. He smirked at her nastily as he poured the remaining blood down his own greedy gullet, "Feeling more awake, Police Girl?"

Seras bared her teeth in a snarl, and looked away from him in frustration, "How did you even make a power point?"

"Oh, I had Walter make it for me," he grinned at her back, showing his sharp teeth, "he was quite accommodating after I threatened to keep him up all night with Baskerville howling outside his window."

The blonde snorted at the mental image, knowing that he would do it, too, and sighed as she turned her head to look at the blank screen. "Well?"

There was a muffled _click_ and then the projector whirred to life as the first slide appeared on the screen.

'_**Vampire Conduct 101**_

_**Fledgling Dos and Don'ts'**_

Seras scoffed a bit, crossing her arms over her chest as she settled deeper into the couch.

_**~Don't- be a whiny bitch. No one likes you when you do that. **_

Seras shrieked and threw the nearest pillow at her Sire, who caught it easily and returned fire with twice the force. She grunted as it knocked the breath out of her. "And don't scream like a banshee all the time, it's annoying."

_**~Do- drink your blood. Forcing it down your gullet is fun, but time consuming.**_

"I wasn't hungry." Seras muttered huffily, turning her head away. Her stomach churned in disagreement and a flush of embarrassment lit her cheeks. Her Sire's mocking laughter informed her that he knew she was lying. She heard the _click_ and looked back at the screen resignedly.

_**~Don't- sit in my chair. The floor is fine for starving fledglings.**_

"You weren't using it," she muttered defiantly, "and it was comfortable."

In retaliation for this, her Master knocked her off the couch and pinned her to the floor under his boot as she flailed and screeched. He ground his boot heel into her spine until she quieted and he chuckled blackly as he sat on the cushions, pulling her up to sit against the couch, legs thrown over her shoulders and pinning her in place. "You see what disobeying gets you, fledgling?"

Seras plucked at his pantlegs futilely for a moment before giving in and groaning, "You're so mean, Master."

_**~Don't- steal my hat. My clothes are not your clothes, and never will be.**_

Embarrassed, she flushed and looked down at her feet, "that's a stupid grudge to hold…"

There was a pressure on her ribs as he squeezed his legs, and she squeaked, trying to pry his knees apart, "That hurts, Master!"

He ignored her and tugged her head back by a fistful of blonde locks.

_**~Don't- complain when I throw you down the stairs, If you moved faster I wouldn't have to.**_

Seras stared, gobsmacked. "What? WHAT?!"

He twisted the handful and she shrieked, "Stop that!" Reaching behind herself, she swatted at his hands, and he released her after a moment, for which she was grateful. "It's not my fault your legs are so much bloody longer than mine, Master!"

He mocked her with a high falsetto that was truly disturbing to listen to coming from him, _"It's not my fault you're so short._ You're a vampire, Police Girl, you can move faster now if you even pretend to try."

_**~Don't- stick your neck out to defend subpar humans. It'll either be broken or bitten, and you won't like it.**_

"Do you see the pattern here, Police Girl? I have more don'ts than dos, because you** DO** all of these."

Seras tipped her head back to lever a glare at her Sire's chin, "That's not fair!"

He peered over his glasses at her, and sneered, "Life rarely is, fledgling."

_**~Do- practice your powers more. Getting stuck in the wall is funny only so long before it becomes embarrassing for my fledgling to be so inept.**_

"I'm **so** terribly sorry to tarnish your good name, Master!" Seras spat, furious and humiliated, it wasn't her fault that the Geese were even more encouraged to try tackling her in the halls; how could she know the power point would only make it worse?! So more often than not, she ended up halfway through the wall, and the men would take turns smacking her bum because she couldn't stop them.

"You should be," he growled back, "it's a rare honor to be my fledgling, Police Girl, and you continue to disappoint me."

Stung, she looked away, shoulders hunching. "You're so mean, Master."

He grunted and pulled her head back to face him, "I never claimed to be otherwise, Police Girl. Are you trying to be something you're not?"

She avoided his gaze, gnawing on her lower lip until she tasted blood. Startled, she laved the small wound with her tongue, having learned through painful experience that vampire saliva had a healing agent in it that numbed pain and staunched bloodflow better than a tourniquet.

_**~Do- instill fear into your prey- just do it the right way, not te wrong way.**_

"And what's the right way?" Seras huffed, "Getting blown to smithereens to give them a false sense of security?" He chortled mockingly before yanking her head back painfully and bending over to lick her throat, his teeth grazing her skin and making the grl shiver. "Something like that," he purred, "remind me to teach you… a little later."

She gave a strangled moan-yelp as he nipped her and squirmed uncomfortably, "Master…"

_**~Do- learn how to hunt like a proper vampire, bagged blood is all very well and good, but you can't break into a hospital if you're on a long term mission and run out of supplies. **_

"But I do kn-mmmng…" Seras melted back against his hold, lids fluttering shut as her Sire's teeth pierced her neck, system flooded with the ecstasy that comes from a vampire bite – well, when they want it to feel nice, she'd pissed her Master off once and he'd taught her the pain of having her blood drawn too quickly through two small holes in her throat. She'd been a crying mess and could barely move for the next three days without cringing!

'_This is just an excuse to bite me, isn't it?'_She thought at him hazily, unaware of the little whimpers and mewls she voiced as he pulled her up from the floor and into his lap, all without ever letting his teeth leave her throat.

She heard his ghostly laughter echoing in her head as he clicked to the final slide on his powerpoint, and she stared blankly at it for a moment before comprehension hit.

_**~Do- try and keep quiet- good girls are seen and not heard. (No matter how much you like it when I bitte you.)**_

She shrieked, but a gloved hand muffled her cries, even going so far as to cover her nose, and she would have panicked about being unable to breathe had he not – painfully – drilled it into her little head that she didn't need to. Infuriated, she struggled and tried to elbow him in the ribs, but his other arm wound around her body, pinning her securely to his chest, one leg crossing up over hers to completely immobilize her. She moaned in frustration and growled at him through their bond, muttering obscenities in her thoughts.

After a long and tortuous moment, he released her with a moan of his own, breathing hotly on her neck as he lapped up the remaining blood with one swipe of his long tongue. He grinned at her as she glared at him, and ran his tongue up her throat to her jaw, and along her cheek, lingering there for a moment before swiping up her forehead. Gross! Vampire drool! Now she'd need a shower for sure.

He chuckled breathily in her ear before slowly dematerializing beneath her, "Did you learn anything from this little presentation, Police Girl?"

He was gone the next moment and she swore colorfully at the empty room before high tailing it back to her quarters where she could take a shower in peace, and as she entered her little private bathroom, she muttered to herself the answer to his question. "Only that you're an asshole, Master."


	3. Integra's PowerPoint

_**The Power of PowerPoints**_

_**Ketti:**_Y'all can thank keijipeiji for reviewing and reminding me that I hadn't put this chapter up yet. FF had been fussy when I tried,a nd sorta forgot. Woops. It's posted now. You're welcome. ;D

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_**Integra's PowerPoint**_

Walter hid a smirk as he was sent down to the lower levels to summon Hellsing's resident vampires to Sir Integra's office, his almost-amethyst orbs glittering with amusement.

He knocked politely on Miss Victoria's door before opening it, only to find the girl red faced and pushing at Alucard's face to detach him from her neck. He coughed into his fist as he eyed the pair, "Well, hello Alucard, this saves me the effort of tracking you down as well. Sir Integra has requested your presence in her office, the both of you."

Miss Victoria squirmed on her Sire's lap, looking terribly uncomfortable, but Walter had the feeling it was only because he was there as well. Alucard paused for a moment, peering at the butler over the rims of his glasses before giving a dramatic put-upon sigh as he released his struggling fledgling after licking the wound on her neck, sealing it. Seras hurriedly jumped off his lap and smoothed down her skirt, tugging at the hem self consciously as she clutched the neck of her jacket protectively, hurrying to button it before the ravenous master vampire could attack her again.

Walter graced the flustered blonde with a kind smile as he held out his arm like a gentleman, "Would you like an escort, Miss Victoria? So that nothing-" he glanced meaningfully at the smirking Alucard- "sidetracks you?"

Blushing, the Draculina nodded fervently and clung to the kindly butler, shooting a dirty look over her shoulder at her Master in the process.

Walter chuckled, patting her hand kindly as they made their way through the various halls and stairs up to the Hellsing Heiress' office. "You seem to be able to handle his-" he coughed delicately "-advances, good on you Miss Victoria."

Seras looked mortified and she looked down at her shoes, mumbling under her breath about perverts and blood. Walter knew this all too well from personal experience in the war, and sympathized with the little thing.

It was no surprise in the least to find Alucard lounging against the closed doors, waiting for them with a bored expression on his stoic face. The Angel of Death gave him a knowing look as he knocked and announced their presence, opening the door to bow them in before shutting it and walking off.

"Alucard, Seras, have a seat." Integra commanded, tones polite with an edge of steel to her voice. The vampires obeyed, Seras scooting her chair as far from her Master as she could while remaining on the correct side of the desk. "The reason I've called you here…" she opened the screen of her laptop and turned it to face them, and there, on the screen was a powerpoint presentation. Alucard started to laugh maniacally, and Seras smothered a giggle behind her gloved hand.

"Do pay attention!" She barked, and both quieted, though Alucard maintained his trademark smirk as he stared mockingly at the screen and the words displayed upon it.

_**'How Not To Get Yourself Staked Out In The Sun'**_

"Since you blood suckers started it, I'm continuing it." Integra informed them loftily, tapping her mouse to get the next slide on screen.

_**A - Stop using Walter for your dirty work. He's my bitch, not yours.**_

Alucard burst into a new fit of laughter and Seras was tempted to kick him, "It's your fault! I don't ask Walter for anything," Seras sniffed huffily, "_**I **_know he's busy."

The crimson fucker wiped a blood tear from his eye as he leered at Integra, "Is there something you wish to inform us about, Master? Between you and your bitch." His brows arched suggestively and his voice dropped an octave, purring and seductive.

Integra gave him a look that clearly said 'wouldn't you like to know?' and sniffed, clicking the mouse again. Seras eyed the two speculatively, wondering if she even wanted to know. Probably not…

_**B - No dirty feet allowed on my desk. Or sitting on it, it's my desk, not a couch.**_

Integra stared meaningfully at the both of them, and Seras looked uncomfortable, muttering that she didn't weight that much, and something about standing all the bloody time. Alucard just stretched himself out in his seat to purposefully plant his boots on the edge of the forbidden desk. Integra bared her teeth at him and pulled the revolver from her jacket, shooting him right in the head and sending his hat flying to the floor. "I warned you, vampire."

He just laughed.

Seras absently licked the blood spatter from her cheek, completely unconcerned with her Master's Master and her penchance for violence towards the man.

_**C - Learn to clean your feet, or start taking showers outside. Bloody footprints are expensive to get out of carpets.**_

Seras snorted, then quailed as Integra glared at her, "What? You can't mean me! I always wipe my feet before coming in."

Sir Hellsing's glare sharpened, "It doesn't help when you're dripping ghoul blood, Police Girl!"

Seras shrunk back in her seat, looking absolutely tiny in the over stuffed chair, muttering under her breath about how her Master never got scolded for making a mess.

"That's because your blasted Sire leaves the messes behind, where they should stay."

_**D - Yes, we know it's a full moon, stop howling at it, you're vampires, not werewolves. Act like it.**_

Seras pointed at her Master smugly, "Told you she'd yell at you for starting that."

Alucard graced her with a manic grin, crimson eyes burning with madness and power, "As I recall, fledgling, you joined our little moonlight song."

Seras flushed, and looked sheepishly at her Master's Master, who arched a brow imperiously.

"What? He started it! It's not my fault the local wolves continued it…"

Integra sighed, rubbing at her temples, "Your Master has always had a connection with those flea bags. Alucard, this is not funny!" She snapped, brandishing her gun again, "if you don't want hunters crawling all over our woods, I'd advise you to silence your pack more often."

Alucard just looked smug as he lounged in his chair, utterly unconcerned by his Master's threats.

_**E - Stop littering those empty blood packs! There are specific trashcans for medical waste, use them.**_

Seras looked uncertain, then eyed her Master considringly. Well, she left them in the ice bucket… So maybe it was his fault?

He sneered at her, and she grimaced, looking back at the screen.

_**F - If you don't stop fornicating in my hallways, I'll be forced to put in fire hoses, full of ice cold holy water. I mean it.**_

Seras shrieked in embarrassment, "Sir!"

The woman glared at her, arms crossed, "This is a military operation, not a brothel. You should remind your Master of that more often."

Mortified, the Draculina moaned and sunk into her chair so that she nearly disappeared into its depths. "Not my fault…"

Alucard leered at his shrinking violet fledgling, licking his lips suggestively. Integra shot him a vicious look, and raised her pistol again, "I've got a chastity belt I've half a mind to _order_ you to wear, Servant."

He cracked up, laughing hysterically, nearly falling out of his chair. Sir Hellsing shot him again, and his mirth quieted to burbling chuckles.

_**G - If you can't keep track of your spent clips, I'll force you to wear a fanny pack. Do you know how much time the clean up crew spends just tracking down your bullet casings?!**_

Seras cackled, pointing at her Master as she sneered at him, "See? I told you to stop littering! My bullets are easy to find and I'm not in trouble."

Integra cleared her throat, and clicked to the next slide.

_**H - Hellsing is not a homeless shelter. If you bring **__**one**__** more kitten back with you from a mission… Consequences will be dire.**_

Seras looked guilty as she hurriedly put her phone away, having looked at it when it buzzed, the lock screen was a picture of her favorite rescue. She mumbled something incoherent and twiddled her fingers, trying to look remorseful. Her Master rumbled mockingly at her, "Now the shoe's on the other foot, hm?"

_**I - Don't bring Iscariot home again, the repair bills were astronomical! And, no, I don't believe your excuses, if it happens a second time, I'll make you do the repairs yourself, vampire. **_

Seras snickered, recalling the look on Angel Dust's face when he realized he was surrounded by Protestant Dogs. Her Master had deliberately goaded him into giving chase so that he could fight the priest on his home terf. Clearly, Sir did not approve. She'd had to dodge a good number of bayonets herself when the Paladin arrived!

Alucard just leered at his Master, "It was worth it."

_**J - Never wake me up at 4am again to send you lives on a facebook game.**_

Seras flushed, "How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?! I didn't know you were asleep! You spend most nights up until dawn… And Master won't play them, and Walter…" the Draculina trailed off, mumbling into her chest as she looked down sheepishly.

"Damn straight I won't join that farce of a site just to play your insipid games, Police Girl!"

Seras huffed, "But they're fun, Master!"

He scoffed, "Decapitating ghouls is fun."

Seras rolled her eyes, "You think killing anything is fun, Master."

He bared his teeth in a grin, the moon casting a red glow in through the large glass windows at Integra's back. "Of course I do."

The Hellsing Heiress snorted, standing and gracing her pet vampires with an indulgently disgusted look. "Walter, stop listening at key holes and escort them out, I have calls to make."

The Butler entered a moment later, expression impassive as he gestured to the vampires to follow him. Alucard chuckled darkly as he obeyed, and Seras eyed him warily, mouthing the words 'don't even think about it' as she crossed the room to the Angel of Death's side.

Her Master leered, and licked his lips, a manic light to his eyes as he considered her silent words a dare. How unfortunate for her.

Captain Pip Bernadotte, leader of the Wild Geese, was hard pressed to breathe as he sat in his room, watching the security feed from the camera he had bugged Sir Integra's office with earlier that day. Oh, this was priceless! He'd be sure to hold the kitten comment over the blonde for the next month or so, see how rattled he could get her. When the Draculina got excited enough, she started bouncing around to emphasize her point, and the mercenary couldn't be happier. This was going on a DVD for his private collection of blackmail!


End file.
